Charlotte has been an unpaid carer for many years, although she did not realise at first the significance of her caring role. Over a decade ago, Charlotte's mother came to stay with her whilst she was living in Australia, after an operation relating to a cancer diagnosis and a diagnosis of dementia.
Charlotte's youngest child is diagnosed with autism and ADHD, and in 2014 she returned to the UK to care for her Aunt who had early stage dementia and a mobility limiting heart condition.
Here Charlotte talks about the realisation that she was a carer and how that has shaped her belonging to a community, the support she's benefitted from since and her message to others who may not yet realise they are a carer.
When did you realise you’re a carer?
I first cognitively realised that I was an unpaid carer in around 2015, when I had to start actively doing things for my aunt – making appointments, driving her to places, taking her shopping (to make sure she bought the right items) and arranging for paid carers to do home visits.
After my aunt passed away, in 2021, I stopped thinking of myself as a carer. My second cognitive realisation came in 2022, when an old friend of mine reminded me that I was still a carer, as I was caring for my son with special needs. I had also cared for my mum for many years.
What stopped you from realising sooner?
The barriers to realising I was a carer lay mostly in the fact that it was my mother I was caring for in my home, and this was, I thought, the natural progression of family; my grandmother came to live with us when she was unable to live at home, due to dementia, and this was not that unusual amongst my peers when growing up. It was just something you did, looking after your parents as they aged.
The same went for my son: I was his mum, I was looking after him but just doing what I did for all my children; the fact that he needed more support was just part of being his mum. If I hadn’t realised I was my aunt’s carer, I might well have pushed back against my friend’s observation that I was still a carer.
Because my aunt and I were not in the same house, and I was going from my home to hers in order to do the caring, it had a slight relationship disconnect. I was doing the same caring tasks as I had for my mother, but it seemed more like a job because I had to deliberately get in a car to do it. This is what made me realise I was an unpaid carer.
What might you have done differently, if you had realised sooner?
If I’d realised that I was a carer sooner, I would have made it known to my employers at the time, when I had to stop working. I would also have let the benefits people know and claimed carers’ allowance. I would have found groups to support me and sought out basic information about the caring services that were available to me.
How does being part of The Carers' Centre community make a difference to you personally?
Where do I start?! I joined the Carers’ Centre in around 2017, and because I was somewhat overwhelmed, I didn’t really take much notice of what they provide. More fool me!
After my aunt died, and I was able to recover myself a little, I looked at the activities provided by the centre and joined the craft and games groups. These were amazing. For the first time in years, I stopped feeling as though I hadn’t been a good-enough carer, that I should have done more, or that I wasn’t being a fraud because I was caring for my son.
Everyone was so welcoming. They were either going through their own carer journey or had been on that journey. I didn’t feel pressured to explain or talk about my caring but was listened to, and acknowledged, when I did. I felt recognised and cared about. When I had a bit of a mental crisis, I knew where to turn, I was able to call the helpline and they were wonderful, and pointed me in the right direction.
The care and support I have received has enabled me to re-join life. I am now a volunteer with the centre, a volunteer youth mentor, and best of all, I am now working as a Teaching Assistant. I can safely say that without the Carers’ Centre, I would not be where I am today.
Charlotte is an active member of Carers' Voice, joins many of the wellbeing activities that The Carers' Centre offers and is particularly fond of the regular Games Group which she attends with her son.
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